My husband and I have been together for 11 years and will be married for 6 this year. We met in a traditional manner but very untraditional for my family or anyone I knew.
One day I was venting to my dad about the many challenges I encountered in my dating life. I went into detail about the personalities of the individuals I was dating and how I was done with the whole game. He replied to me stating that he worked with a guy named Tyrin who he felt would be perfect for me.
As a stubborn young woman, I did not want to date someone that my daddy wanted me to date. I wanted to be the one who found the love of my life because I was an independent woman! At the same time, I wanted to appease my father, so I made up my mind that I would go on a date with the guy and get my dad off my back!
The first date, I was able to weasel my way out of. Tyrin worked the overnight shift which, at the time, I was unaware to be true. He called me around 8pm-ish that evening and told me he was forced to do overtime and wouldn’t be off until the clock changed from PM to AM. I told him “ok” and to call me when he got off.
I called my girlfriends and we all agreed he was lying and so I decided to go out with my girls that night instead of answering his call.
Fast forward about a year later, my dad called me up and said that Tyrin was trying to get my number from him and asked if he could give it. I hesitated, but gave my father the nod to provide my number to Ty. Little did I know that my dad had also run the same line by Tyrin!
We set up a date to go see a comedy show, and after Tyrin notified me he was on the way, I started to get cold feet. I knew my dad would be upset if I didn’t go, but I decided to try and convince my father that I was correct in my desire to cancel. On the contrary, my dad informed me that Ty had already bought the tickets and the least I could do was to show up. To say the least, the conversation between my father and I was intense and I ended up telling my dad “I’m only going because of you!” My dad replied with “Ok, I will accept that you are only going because of me.”
A few minutes after the call ended, Tyrin pulled up in my driveway. He was driving an all white, cream interior, 2006 Chrysler 300. A beautiful, tall, athletic man steps out of the car and opens the door for me. I thought to myself, “this date might not be too bad!” I was definitely attracted to his stature as well as his looks and style.
Once we were in the car and headed to the comedy show, which was about 40 minutes away, he was as silent as a school on a Sunday! I began making up open-ended questions and he continued to respond with closed answers! I was anticipating the end of the date.
We finally arrived at the comedy show and as the night and laughter went on, Tyrin began to inch closer and closer to me. The comedians were hilarious and at one point, Tyrin placed his hand on the small of my back to ask me if I needed anything else off the menu.
As soon as he placed his hand on me, I felt a spark. It lit me up on the inside and turned my cold demeanor into one geared toward him. I replied with a soft no as we enjoyed the remainder of the evening. After the date ended, he dropped me off at home and what transpired from there was a deep friendship like I had never experienced before and the intense blossoming of true love.
During the course of our courtship, we experienced death, grief, distrust and lack of the proper way to communicate with one another. Neither one of us were perfect people, but inside of one another, we found love and we were both determined to keep it. 2 years later we were engaged and we married in June of 2019.
In 2019, we suffered a miscarriage. It was devastating as I had never been pregnant before and we both wanted the baby. I found out I had 8 fibroids in my uterus, a couple the size of grapefruits, and this was the reason the baby couldn’t make it. This was the the second time I saw my husband cry with the first being the passing of his grandmother, Flo.
I had surgery in October of that year and in December, my nephew passed away. My husband and I pushed through these challenges and in 2020, we decided to try again for another baby, but this time, our son made it into this life. 2 years later, we tried again and God blessed us with a daughter!
What is love?
Love has been portrayed as a feeling. It has been portrayed to mean that someone else makes you happy, provides for you, and cares about all your needs. What I have learned is that love may begin with a feeling, but it is a selfless act that is practiced everyday.
In the old testament, the Bible speaks on 2 translated words from Hebrew, ahavan and khesed, both meaning love.
Ahavah
The word ahavah means love and is rooted in the Hebrew root hav which means to give. The English translation of love from ahavah in the Bible has a meaning of giving and in this, giving without putting yourself first. A definition of give is to undergo or submit to change.
In love, you will and should change along with your partner. Life will present your relationship with trials that force you and your lover to come face to face with what triggers you, what causes conflict in your relationship and what each party wants in order to come to peace with the situation.
Given both parties are mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy, each should take the steps to conform to the other. For example, when my husband and I were dating, I used my mouth as a reckless tool to fight back when I was wrong or hurt in our relationship. My words were harsh and my delivery was even worse.
Eventually, my husband made it clear that the way I was speaking to him was unacceptable and disrespectful. The truth was that I already knew this information and had observed it played out in the relationships around me. I knew the power of words and understood how they could be utilized to injure and gain control of another person.
No one had ever called me out in such a way as to redirect my thinking and actions on this type of behavior. I too had informed my husband that I had abandonment issues and was insecure about if he would stay in the relationship with me. He assured me that he wasn’t going to leave me and I assured him that I would work on my anger and language toward him.
As difficult as it was to give him power over my behavior, in exchange he gave me security in his will power to stay in the relationship with me. As our relationship progresses, we both continue to learn how to have conflict without contention.
Hesed
Hesed refers to a loyal type of love. A covenantal type of love considerate of tenderness toward one another.
A covenant is a contract which can be defined as to draw together so as to become diminished in size.
Some may read that definition and say absolutely not I will not make myself smaller so someone else can feel bigger! Those who think in this manner are missing the deeper point and are most likely failing in love.
The ego is what needs to be made smaller when you are in a loving relationship. It is not that you are making your needs less important, but that you are choosing to put someone else’s needs above your own.
For the sake of clarity, please note that while you are putting someone else above yourself, they too are putting you above them. It is intentional but it is also natural. When you love someone, you want to provide the best for them and in a love that turns into a marriage, you become less of yourself and more of your union.
When relationship trials come to test you (and they will come to test you), your loyalty should remain with the one whom you have chosen to love. With tenderness, you should consider how the decisions you make will affect your partner and act accordingly. When these behaviors and thought patterns are not practiced, the end of the relationship is soon to follow.
What’s it like to Love someone?
Loving someone is beautifully regular with regular being defined as one who can be trusted or depended on according to Merriam-Webster.
Loving someone is peaceful, secure, sent from God, and provides strength. It is not an intense emotional rollercoaster that makes your stomach rise and fall at every turn. It is not a feeling but a daily choice.
At any moment, your emotions can shift and temptation can knock on your door. Loving someone is putting aside the curiosity to answer the door. Loving someone moves you through emotional changes with your lighthouse being the love you have for your partner.
Truly loving someone is having a deeper level of friendship with a partner that rides through the suffering and victories of life, while remaining tightly bound together.
Loving someone is deeper than emotions.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
With Love,
Mother Ocia