The elephant in the room isn’t just an idiom; it is the way that some of us (including myself) have lived our lives. Telling the truth can cause relationships to end, isolation, and emotional distress when delivered in a way that isn’t intended to help the receiver.
In addition to the aforementioned, the truth can also be left on deaf ears when the intention of the deliverer is to get the truth off their chest instead of feeding the soul of the receiver in order to develop growth. I am no stranger to the inability to tell the truth in a way that edifies instead of destroys and though I fall short, I do my best to practice how to be lovingly truthful.
Why is the Truth Hard to Tell?
To understand why the truth is hard to tell, we should start with reasons why lying is easy. According to Acacia Collaborative Psychological Services, people lie for a number of reasons, three of them being self-protection, conflict avoidance, and gaining social approval.
For some people, telling a lie is a form of self-protection. When we don’t want to face embarrassment, judgement or another form of potential punishment, we will lie in order to avoid the consequences of the truth. One consequence of telling the truth can lead to conflict which is another reason that people lie.
According to clinical writer Daniel Hoadley, conflict avoidance involves suppressing one’s own thoughts and feelings to keep the peace. He goes further to write that when conflict avoidance is practiced within close personal relationships such as families, a lack of authenticity and resolution bares itself through the children who tend to mirror this in their own relationships. When lying is apart of building close relationships and the familial structure it can lead to the misconception of gained social approval.
In an effort to be liked, people will lie in order to gain the approval of others. Pstherapyny.com declares that humans have a powerful need to belong and that need drives behaviors, such as lying, in order to acquire group approval and be accepted in societal norms. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs demonstrates that after basic needs are met, the first psychological need is belongness and love which explains why lying is easier to do than telling the truth.
These three reasons for why people lie can be equated to people-pleasing. As a recovering people-pleaser, I can say from personal experience that, once we break away from the false idea that we must please others through various means, such as lying, we begin to tell the truth in very undiplomatic and emotionless ways. If we don’t deliver the truth with kindness and Love, the one we intend to teach is the one we will lose to deafening ears. So the question remains how do we lovingly tell the truth?
How to be Lovingly Truthful
The first step to being lovingly truthful is to check your heart position.
I have this understanding that the truth hits hard enough without our help. Checking your reasons for why you want to give the truth is the first step in delivering the truth Lovingly. Is your desire to give the truth because you need to get it off your chest or because you are invested in the receiver’s personal growth?
When we are invested in the receiver’s personal growth, it will automatically redirect the way we give the truth without comprising the substance of it. If our motives are because we need to get it off our chest, then we tend to deliver the truth swiftly and in a way that may be honest but is too brutal for the receiver to accept it and/or utilize it for personal growth. Taking the time to slow down and reflect on our heart position will help us to formulate the words in a manner that will provide a light into the mind, heart, and soul of the receiver.
The second step to being lovingly truthful is to seek prayer in the way we should deliver the truth to our receiver.
Once we understand our heart posture, we can begin to seek God for how we need to deliver the truth in a way that will enlighten the person and not dim their light. Words can be a very powerful instrument and it is important to place them together in the most purposeful way. Spending some time to slow down and pray about how to construct your words will assist in the deliverance of something important without dismantling the relationship. Maya Angelou once said “At the end of the day people won’t remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel.”
The third step in being lovingly truthful is to understand that if the truth is rejected by your receiver, you don’t need to take it personal.
We can take all the precautionary steps in delivering the truth in the proper heart posture, in Love, and with a carefully curated word structure but the fact is that the truth can hurt and how it is received cannot be controlled only the delivery. If the receiver is unwilling to accept the truth in Love, consider it a seed planted in soil. There is a possibility that the seed will be blown away with the wind, but there is also the possibility that the seed will blossom into a beautiful plant that pollenates those around it; your only responsibility is to drop the seed in the soil.
Ephesians 4:15
Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into him who is the head, into Christ.
Ephesians 4:29
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
Galatians 6:1
Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.
Ephesians 4:25
Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.
With Love,
Mother Ocia 