In recent weeks, I have been observing the conversations taking place on social media between black men and black women. On both sides of the aisle, there is a desire to be in a relationship and have a family structure. What I have found is that the social engines scream for the correct treatment, grace, and understanding of the black woman while shaming, tearing down, and misunderstanding the black man.
It would be remiss of me not to mention that all men are facing this devaluing and attack but statistics indicate that this destruction impacts the marital, familial, and overall health of the black man at a higher rate than other races. I believe it is time to intentionally give grace to black men and their mental health.
Black men and sexual assault
According to the University of Edinburgh, black males over the age of 18 suffer some of the highest rates of sexual coercion and made to penetrate violence over the period of one year. In the United States, it is reported that black men suffer sexual assault including rape and coercion at a rate of 6.5% similarly compared to black women at 5.8% in a given year.
In 1990, a black feminist woman named Gloria Jean Watkins (better known by her pen name Bell Hooks) wrote a book entitled “Yearning: Race, Gender, and Cultural Politics.” In the book, she discusses the Central Park Five case making a judgement against not only the black boys on trial, but all black boys as being delusional in their patriarchal practice. She states that they pledge their allegiance to the system by intentionally seeking to rape and in this case, a white woman as they are seen as most valuable, in an attempt to solidify their fidelity to the patriarchy (hooks 1990, pg. 63). Her resolution for the end of rape by black boys is for them to conform to feminist thinking.
In 1990, 416 females and 169 males reported being sexually assaulted before the age of 18. UNICEF reports that in 2024, 370 million girls and 310 million boys are sexually assaulted before the age of 18. In prior years, boys were not considered to be able to suffer sexual assault and even more of them went without reporting their trauma. It becomes even more difficult to retrieve the number of black boys who are sexually assaulted as this research has rarely been conducted.
We need not look far to understand that sexual abuse results in the disruption of mental and sexual health. We hear stories of struggle, survival, and victory in overcoming sexual abuse from women, but when it comes to men, we often think of this as something they should have been happy to experience. If we considered this same notion with women, there would be serious backlash and a condemnation on the thinker as inhumane.
We consistently hear about equality of the genders but what about the justice for men? As a mother, I believe that we should be just as willing to go to war with anyone who sexually assaults our sons as we are for our daughters. I know that regardless of gender, the trauma sustained by boys and girls is equal in it’s traumatic impact on the development of the mind and relationships.
Black men and childhood abuse
According to the National Statistics on child Abuse, boys have a higher fatality rate from child abuse while African-American child fatalities is three times higher than any other race.
Childhood abuse comes in various forms and includes verbal and physical abuse. Childhood abuse can cause adult depression, aggression, hostility, anger, fear, anxiety, the inability to maintain close/loving relationships, difficulty in expressing challenges faced, inhibit trust, security, and intimacy. Oftentimes, the partner of choice will be someone extremely similar to or polar opposite of the person who inflicted the abuse.
Boys are taught to suppress their emotions, not to cry, to be strong and push through circumstances repeatedly void of the ability to verbally express what they are going through. These lessons carry into adulthood and cause a developmental hinderance in building romantic relationships. As previously stated, we understand that women go through such things in their childhood and we often sympathize with them and are told that we should fight to break down their walls and come into a oneness with their state of being. If we consider this for women, then we must consider this for men; not only because we consider this for women, but because men are humans just as women and deserve the same amount of compassion.
Negative connotations surrounding black men
The reasons for not providing grace and attention to the mental health of black men is rooted in racist/slave-master like thinking.
The first point of contention is that black men are criminals with a high rate of incarceration. According to the Sentencing Project, incarceration rates of black men is down by 50% since 2000. Keep in mind that legislation was passed specifically targeting the black community beginning in the late 1800’s such as Black Codes and the Vagrancy act, along with the “no man in the house” rule, welfare, and discriminatory housing laws that posed difficulties on the black man to obtain gainful employment thus devaluing his role in the family and community.
My next point of opposition is that black men are absent or deadbeat fathers. ABC10 reported that black dads are more involved in their children’s activities than father’s of any other race. American Progress reports an estimated 91% of single fathers are employed compared to 75% of single mothers. Fatherhood Comission states that 14% of single parent households are headed by black fathers. An estimated 70% of men took leave within 12 weeks of their firstborn child and around 204,000 men cited their position as “stay-at-home dads.”
My final point of disagreement is that black men don’t marry and if they do, it is with a non-black woman. Pew Research conducted a study that concluded black men (36%) were more likely than black women(29%) to be married. On the contrary, black women (25%) were more likely to divorce than black men (15%). The study also cites that 18% of black adults were married to someone who is not black. 21% of black men and 13% of black women married non-black people.
How to give grace to black men and their mental health
Understanding that women aren’t the only humans who have suffered from childhood and adult abuse is the first step in giving grace to black men and their mental health. Knowledge is key in beginning the steps to deconstruct how we have thought of men, and in particular black men. Once we are aware that we all suffer from something, we are more equipped to being to understand and offer compassion.
The next step in giving grace to black men and their mental health is to not take everything they say and do personally. This is a step that is more easily said than done as emotions can run high in certain situations. What we have to recall is that when we are going through our own episodes, we want our partner to understand and provide a space for forgiveness. It is not always about us.
The final step in giving grace is to act in Love. I have heard it said that Love covers a multitude of sins. When we act in Love, we show God’s power working through us and open a heart chamber within the man that shows them they are safe with us. Relationships aren’t a battle of domination but one of submission. When we move in the way of Love, we move in the Way of God.
1 Corinthians 13:4-13
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part, and prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love.
But the greatest of these is Love.
With Love,
Mother Ocia