I grew up in a society that began influencing women to strive for success, competition, and independence from men. It was often encouraged to be aggressive, strong-willed, forceful, and callous as anything in opposition would stifle a woman’s progression toward the goal she should attain; financial success by any means.
The emergence of new and existing perspectives on women’s studies began to arise causing what is often referred to as the Third Wave of Feminism. It promised to free women of the oppressive patriarchy but instead, it provided a new type of oppression, the pressure to take on the emotional and mental characteristics typical of men. Though research is varied on if men or women are more inclined to practice gentleness, data suggests that women are more inclined to be empathetic, nurturing, and kind https://www.cam.ac.uk/research/news/females-perform-better-than-males-on-a-theory-of-mind-test-across-57-countries which leads me to believe that women should also be able to possess the art of being gentle.
Don’t get me wrong, both men and women should embark on the journey toward the state of being gentle; however, I am writing from a woman’s lived experience and can only direct women who understand the pressure of being desensitized to emotion, empathy, and the practice of gentleness.
What is the Practice of Gentleness?
Let’s take a look at two of many definitions that can be found in Merriam-Webster. Gentle is defined as freedom from harshness, being stern, or practicing violence. Another definition also refers to gentle as being suited to someone of high social position https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/gentle.
Now that we understand the term in which we are attempting to begin practicing, let’s put together some action steps toward making this an everyday practice.
The first step to practicing gentleness is to identify what has turned us into unsympathetic women. For me, it was a combination of my upbringing, societal pressure to be strong, and the many attempts I took at being gentle with men who were unsuited for the type of gentle I was seeking to enact.
I have written on the guidance the elder women in my family provided throughout my youth in prior articles. To sum it up, I was taught that displaying traits that were in my nature, traits that marked me as a woman such as nurturing, understanding, softness, gentleness, patience, soft words, would cause a man to ruin me. Walking in my life through feminine tendencies would result in the destruction of my being and the best way to walk through life was to be verbally and physically aggressive, stern, determined, and in opposition with a man if he did not agree with what I wanted.
It took the Spirit of God and my husband to teach me how to let my guard completely down and walk on a kinder, softer path. Before I met my husband, I was in relationship with men who were not completely devoted to me. This caused fits of jealousy, rage, anger, violent tendencies, and an unwillingness to trust men. Instead of walking away from men who did not display the open heart my husband did, I stayed until I was worn out of the back and forth. This damaged my ability to walk in my feminine which, for me, is soft speech, kindness, understanding, and the ability to be gentle.
The second step in practicing gentleness is to be honest with yourself. If your situation is similar to mine, where the men you chose assisted in the destruction of your ability to be gentle, then take accountability that you allowed it to happen. Make a vow to yourself before God that you will only allow men who are open to God and come with an open heart to be apart of your life, and don’t carry the past trauma with you into the next relationship or into your relationships with other people. Begin to practice gentleness with yourself and the decisions you have made, and extend that to those around you.
The third step in practicing gentleness is to begin practicing grace. Initially, it may seem like you are letting others step all over you because the practice of grace is the practice of understanding and forgiveness. Merriam-Webster defines grace as a virtue from God https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/grace. Please note that God provides us with grace everyday though we are immensely unworthy.
In the Lord’s prayer, one of the lines is, “Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.” What that is asking is “God, give us grace for harming you as we give others grace for harming us.” We have to understand that our emotions are temporary but our Love can last a lifetime and then some.
Practice grace with yourself, then practice grace with those who have hurt you and expect nothing in return. Once you have done that, then practice grace with all others. Grace is a key component in gentleness because it is difficult to be gentle without first being able to let go of past and current harm inflicted on you by others. Gentleness can only be practiced in relationship with other people so ensure that you don’t shut the world out, but let the world see the Light that is inside of you through the practice of gentleness (Luke 11:33-36).
1 Peter 3:3-4
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.
Galatians 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things, there is no law.
With Love,
Mother Ocia