My family moved around a lot when I was younger. From kindergarten to 5th grade, I grew up and went to school in predominately white environments in Kansas City and Overland Park, Kansas. Once I hit 5th grade, we went from a PW environment to a predominately black neighborhood and education system.
Having to change schools came with gaining and losing friends. I learned to make friends quickly and discard the emotional connection at the same rate. This was partly due to moving and not being able to see my friends once our locations were miles apart, but it was also caused by changing schools from elementary to middle school to high school.
Once I graduated high school, my closest friend decided she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. I never understood the reason, but nonetheless, I had to accept that the friendship wasn’t valuable to her anymore. It certainly crushed me because at the time, she was the first friend I had longer than 2 years.
After that friendship loss, something changed in me. I decided that I could do with or without friends and as quickly as I made friendships in my early adulthood was as quickly as I released them. Granted, some of these friendships ended with just cause, others ended because I was unable to call myself to a higher standard in relationship with others. In a world that encourages self-care, putting ourselves first, and leaving all relationships that “don’t serve you”, the question must be asked, what about your friends?
Scientific Data and Friendships
Pew Research Center reported that around 61% of Americans view close friendships as extremely important in their life https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/10/12/what-does-friendship-look-like-in-america/. ScienceDirect published a study suggesting new friendship contact increases dramatically during emerging adulthood (19-29), while a study released by the National Library of Medicine concluded that friendship connections reach their max at age 25, decline from 25-45, stabilize, and then steadily decline again after age 55 https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4852646/.
This data coincides with my experience in gaining and losing friends. From around 19-24, I made friends easily and at a fast pace. I had friends that I went dancing with, friends that I went out to eat and shopping with, and of course, friends that I made in the workplace. Partying, living, being young, wild, and free can only last but for so long. If that is the basis of the friendship, eventually those relationships will fade away, and for me they did.
I viewed myself as introverted and spent loads of time alone. I came to the conclusion that I didn’t need any friends, and that I was perfectly capable of being without any. What I failed to realize is that friends are a gift from God. They are the people you Love, create, and walk through life’s battles with. They are the people who are in your corner even if the pill they have to give you is tough to swallow.
I was also at a stage in my life where I started to see the flaws in my character. The things about myself that I didn’t like and didn’t want to be face to face with. Instead of dealing with myself, I decided to pick off my friendships one by one until I was left with only one friend who refused to let me de-friend her no matter how much effort I put into it.
How Friendships Can Help You Become a Better Person
According to FriendshipCircle International, friendships help you to grow empathically, assist in emotional regulation, communication, and problem solving https://friendshipcircle.com/the-science-behind-friendship-how-it-impacts-mental-health-and-development/#:~:text=Learning%20Social%20and%20Emotional%20Skills%20Through%20Friendship&text=Through%20these%20relationships%2C%20we%20learn,ensuring%20a%20safe%20online%20experience.
By the time I was 32, I had cut off all but one of my friends. I tried to kill our friendship after having my first child but she wasn’t having it! Angel still remains my friend today and will be my best friend for the rest of my life. When our relationship started, I was very volatile. I would fight someone at the drop of a hat, verbally profane anyone to smithereens and gave no regard to how my words hurt others.
I started to have deep conversations with her about how I wanted to be a more calm and patient person. How I wanted to be more peaceful, kind, and not allow things to blow me up. I would also ask for her advice when it came to conflicts I had with others. I knew she would tell me the truth about myself and encourage me in the way that was logical and sound.
Overtime, she taught me how to maintain a friendship. She taught me that I can grow with a friend and have a relationship with someone that isn’t my husband or my family. The friendship that she has provided me with is one that guided me in caring about someone else, their feelings, and nurturing the relationship without throwing it away when I think it doesn’t serve me.
How to Correct Past Friendship Mistakes
As previously stated, I was a toxic person that wanted to control what I felt was the best course of actions with my friends. One of my best friends, I ended the relationship with because I wanted to control her life. I wanted her to listen to the decisions that I wanted her to make and I wanted her to make them.
It came to a point, that I began feeling guilty about how angry I was toward her for not making the decisions I wanted her to make. In all honesty, my own guilt was the reason I decided to end the friendship. Recently, I reached out to her and apologized about how I ended our years long friendship and asked if we could possibly meet up and become friends again. To my gratitude, she accepted my extension and we are very slowly and gently testing the relationship to see if we can be friends again.
I had to take accountability for the negative actions I took in ending our friendship. I had to admit that I was the flawed individual and the one battling with internal trauma. I had to face something that I had put off for years, my inability to gain and maintain a healthy relationship. Certainly there are those that I ended friendships with that I prefer not to enter into again, but there are others that I have to take up my cross and bear.
